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Titus Bitchus and Equinus Whineus

Titus Bitchus
M WS BS S T W I A LD
4 4 3 4 4 3 5 4 8

Equinus Whineus
M WS BS S T W I A LD
4 3 2 3 4 3 3 3 8


Titus Bitchus and Equinus Whineus are a special kind of Dogs of War unit and can be included as a Rare choice in any army of Dwarfs, Empire, Bretonnians (although they are not normally allowed Dogs of War) or Dogs of War. They must be fielded exactly as detailed below, and may not be given any additional equipment or magic items.

SPECIAL RULES

Skirmishers
Titus Bitchus and Equinus Whineus form a skirmishing unit of two models. Mommus said they must stay together, and watch both ways before crossing the street. (She also told Titus to look out for his brother . . . But we know how that goes) Even though they must remain together both are characters and all the rules for characters apply (challenges, targeting restrictions, victory points, etc). They can move freely like other skirmishers, and have a 360° arc of sight.

Sibling Rivalry
These two are always attempting to outdo one another. In the great war tomes, many are the battles that begin with the words, “Look what I can do,” and “Shut up, you’re an idiot.” In the first of these tomes Equinus is erroneously labeled a scout, due to the number of times Titus states, “Look out (thought to be his occupation). That’s wrong. Here is how you are supposed to do it you retard.”
If either character is involved in a challenge the other may join the challenge to show the other “how it’s done.” Only one character can attack and defend per round, as they have successfully pushed the other out of the way.

That’s it! It’s on!
One can only stomach so much abuse. The roar of these two complaining has been compared to a Nightmare Hydra with PMS (causing a High Elf army to rout) or the dreaded Dwarven Ultrasuper Multi-Organ Gun (causing a Skaven army to rout). Generals have quit, rather than attempt to scream over these two.
Titus Bitchus and Equinus Whineus suffer animosity. They cause animosity in ALL units with in 6” (even those already in combat). Neither Titus Bitchus nor Equinus Whineus may be the army’s General.

Titus Bitchus

Cheeky Shenanigans
It is obvious to all that Titus has a Tzeentch mark; maybe it because he’s always redecorating the camp, or the speed at which the “I Got a Dollar” game begins, or the constant barrage of cheeky shenanigans, it hard to put a finger on really. However, it’s clear that he is always up to something.

To represent these shenanigans, Titus may steal power and dispel dice (he will return them though… however, they might be a little spent). Both Titus and his target roll a d6 and add their Initiative. If Titus fails to beat his target, he must give them one die or one dollar (his choice and this is a real G. Washington dollar, no trying to get around this by printing your own Mordheim Money with your face on it. That’s crap, and you know it.) For every pip Titus beats his opponent by he may steal one die. If Titus beats the target by more dice than they have (ie. A level 1 has his one die plus the two starting dice, so beat by four) the target also takes a wound. However, this is no longer a Cheeky Shenanigan and the target must roll on the Cruel and Tragic Pistol Whipping Chart.

The Cruel and Tragic Pistol Whipping Chart
1 – “You son of a bitch, I’m out of here.” The Wizard breaks.
2 – “I think you just dry humped my mind ” The wizard may not cast next turn.
3-4 - “I’ll be god-damned!” The wizard is mildly pist, and after the battle he will complain to his guild but no real effect happens.
5 – “I’m gonna kick your ass.” The wizard and any unit he is with gain Hatred towards Titus.
6 – “Oh, you like games, have some of this.” If the Wizard targets Titus his next spell is cast with Ultimate Force.

Tzeentch is Among Us
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EUdz4dm7y0
Oh did I mention, Titus does not deny having a Tzeentch mark. However, Tzeentch does not care much for Titus ever since that time he pantsed him in front of Khorne at the Chaos God Holiday Mixer. Actually, in hindsight he did end up hooking up with the Master of Secrets, so it was not all that bad… OK, Titus, you can be a wizard.

Titus is a level one wizard that can take two spells (shoot if I’m going to write them, he may as well play with them). However, he receives neither Power nor Dispel dice, and can only use what he steals for casting and dispelling. He is also not restricted on how many dice he can use.

Titus Bitchus Spells
Time to Go
Titus suffers hubris and a greedy need to see carnage wrought by his own hands. Sometime he just needs to get the hell out of dodge as one of his pranks has backfired.
Cast on a 5+
Titus may make a 20” flying move. This may take him out of combat, but if it does, he can not charge. Titus can not combine this spell (same turn) with his greaves as he must be on the ground for them to work.

The Great Complainer
The enemy is assaulted with evil energy waves that rupture eardrums and cause sphincters to let loose. Demoralized the enemy can only suffer the assault from a distance (Magic Missile).
Cast on a 6+
3D6 Strength 1 hits, no armor saves

Tongue Lashing
Sometimes Titus is mean, I mean real mean. Like shaving a Beastman mean. Like attaching a whoopee cushion to a Flagelences whip mean. Like digging up your dead grandmother and selling her to Nagash mean. And that’s without even opening his caustic mouth.
Cast on a 8+
All units within 12” take d6 Strength 4 hits, distributed like shooting.

I am awesome, look how well my outfit coordinates. Fear me!
Errr, see the name. Not much to add really. The boy looks good. Damn you Tzeentch wizard!
Cast on a 9+
Titus and any unit he is with cause Fear. If they already cause fear, then they now cause Terror. If the already cause Terror, they now cause Super-Terror, which is all units within 12” must take a test or suffer a Tongue Lashing.

More special rules...

Haterade
Remember that time whe that shiny hat was blasting people and not taking any shots, and remember how he tripped over his own feet and crawled on the ground just to get away from Titus’s hammer. Memories.
Titus has Hatred towards all lords and the Units they are with.

Got Blown Up
Despite what you have heard, in the rear with the gear is nowhere to be, especially if you are traveling with Titus. Woe is the poor cadets who attempted to hide from Titus’s shenanigans, only to find that Titus’s gear wagon is a magnet for cannonballs and thrown stones alike. Often Titus shows up for battle with nothing more than the tunic on his back.

Before the battle, roll to see if Titus got blown up. On a roll of 1-3, he loses all of his items and must buy anew using Deep Coffers. If Titus Bitchus is blown up, he also receives a +1 to his Deep Coffers roll.

Deep Coffers
Never fear about being outmatched; if the enemy has something that Titus’s side does not he will simply buy it. Looking for that ultra-rare Sigmar Sings Holiday Special CD, Titus has it. Want the first three seasons of Void Whisperer, yep, he’s got that too. Really need that Repeating Crossbow the enemy has . . . no problem.

Titus Bitchus has deep pockets and is assumed to be able to purchase from the enemy. Before the game, Titus Bitchus rolls a d3. This represents how many hundreds of dollars Titus Bitchus has on his persons. He may purchase items like spears and shields at cost (even if he can not use all of them, he must buy all of them though). He may purchase War machines and (separate) mounts at cost + 50%, however, the crew/rider remains (you have no idea how much this pisses off a Knight). Finally, he may purchase Magic Items at double the cost. Titus Bitchus may use any Item he purchases, or give it to anyone on his side.

Magic Items

Sweet Greaves
“I love you sweet greaves, though you slow me down.” – Dark Sabbath – Master of Changing Realities
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5jBG9lki7M

The Sweet Greaves allow Titus to make an 8” move in the Magic Phase. If he connects with a unit, treat him as charging. (This is a one use only item) They also confer a 4+ armor save.

Hammer of Bashing 3.2
There have been many famous Galatian hammer, who names and reputations are almost as well known as there users. This hammer follows in that tradition. At its birth, many said, “That thing is going to kill someone” and “You know you can only use that in the SCA, right?” Even the Dwarven Hammerers stood slack jawed by its awesomeness. Somewhere, Bash P Rip smiles in satisfaction.

The Hammer of Bashing always strikes a +2 to the targets Toughness. Due to its small size, it is not considered a great weapon.

Frozen Water Snake Spear
The Frozen Water Snake Spear is said to not really be a spear at all. Rumor says it bends around shields and through guards. Some say it has actually reached out and bit them on the ass, when no one was around. In actuality, while Titus was banished to the snow covered wasteland of Araska, he nearly starved to death. In his weakened state he attempted to grab a spitting cobra, but the snake was a wily thing and he kept getting away. Deeper and deeper the snake led Titus into the frozen tundra and out onto a lake of ice. Finally, Titus was able to pin the cobra to the ice with his spear, but as Titus grabbed for the snake the ice gave way. They plunged into the frigid water, and both would have perished if not for a boon from Tzeentch. Titus remained like a statue until he washed up on the shores of Araq, where he soon thawed out. However, depression overtook him as he realized he had lost his trusty hunting spear. He grabbed the snake in his anger, ready to smash its frozen form against the rock. At his touch, however, it squirmed and wiggled back alive. As it snapped at Titus, Titus backhanded it, at which point it went back to being straight again. Titus toyed with the snake for a few hours, until he came to realize that he could use it as a weapon.

Titus has poison attacks while he is using the Frozen Water Snake Spear suffer. He also gets a 6+ ward, as he is more then willing to put the stupid snake in the way.

White and Black Hair Plume of Farrah Fawcett
http://www.blog.speculist.com/archives/farrah.jpg
In Galatian lore, only the finest of warriors are allowed to wear hair plumes. It complements there awesome goatees. Most choose either White (+1 W, ignore first wound) or black (+2 WS). Titus choose both so he has +1 WS and can ignore the first wound he suffers. Even if Titus tells you he gets both +1 W, + 2 WS, and to ignore the first wound, he doesn’t. Tell him to go back and read the whole paragraph; not just the part he likes. If this is Titus…well, your not even going to read this next part.
White and Black Hair Plume of Farrah Fawcett gives Titus +1 WS and allows him to ignore the first wound he suffers.

Equinus Whineus

The Saga of Quest for the Sword of Lady of the Port-O-John
At Equinus’s first Pennsic he set about a quest to retrieve the Sword of Lady of the Port-O-John(patent pending). Despite the warnings of his friends and brothers that it was too far away, that he was ill-prepared, that he was drunk, he set off any way. Harpies and Sirens lured him from his quest, deeper and deeper into the barren wastes of the Serengeti.

Equinus Whineus must always move in the direction of female characters. However, he has learned his lessen a little, and ducks into cover to avoid the sun when ever he stops moving. This gives him a 5+ save against shooting.

He quest took him into the darkest part of the world. The sky was so black that a mortal man would barely see his hand in front of his face. A fairy voice (actually it was just gas) told him to open his eyes and he would see a great light. He did, and that was about the point he realized he had stuck his face into the Tiki Torch of Pilfering.

Equinus Whineus has a (2) magic resistance Tiki Torch of Pilfering. Seriously, after you stick your face in a Tiki Torch a fireball just ain’t all that scary anymore.

Quickly Equinus beat out his face. Oh how it burned. He quickly took another shot from his Borrowed Mug of Drinking. That’s some good stuff! Ghonerria? Taste more like Herpies to me. He decided to have a few more shots, and felt suddenly better.

Equinus Whineus has a Borrowed Mug of Drinking. Before the battle, roll a d3 that is how many shots are left. If Mor Grendel is on the field, add one shot. If Loki is on the field, subtract one shot. During Equinus Whineus’s magic phase he may take one shot from the Borrowed Mug of Drinking and heal one wound.

Whew, all this walking and drinking is making Equinus nauseous. He needs to sit down, and in a hurry. This is not good, this is a train wreck. Stupid Tiki is making it all warm and glowy in here. So sleepy . . . zzzzzzz. And then as if in a dream (because it really was a dream) the Lady of the Port-O-John appeared.
“Come find me.” She said.
“Buth Hoow.” He responded.
“I left you a map.”
And with that Equinus awoke to realize that he had licked out a map onto the side of the Port-O-John that he never would have seen had he not had the Tiki Torch of Pilfering.

No one can use Equinus’s Leadership (except himself) as he has Port-O John breath. Equinus is also immune to poison attacks.

Equinus memorized the map, and then just as quickly forgot it. Soon he found himself stumbling through tents and over their lines. After falling over what had to have been his 100th ankle buster Equinus spotted the Johnny Walking Stick of Refuse hidden in a bush/campfire/gate. Once he held it in his grasp, all the tripping stopped.

The Walking Stick of Refuse allows Equinus Whineus to pass over difficult terrain without penalty. He may even pass over impassible terrain and obstacles without penalty on a 4+. However, if he fails the roll, he may pass over the terrain, but he takes a wound or loses one item.

Soon Equinus found he way much easier, and all down hill. Except he began to really pick up speed… and then the hill got much steeper … and then he remembered how drunk he was… KABOOM! Equinus tripped over his own feet, and bounced and bounded down the rest of the hill at great speed. He took out the Circle camp, and on his way to a splashdown in the lake.

Equinus Whineus will not climb hills due to Ancestral Differences. However, turns out he’s aquatic.

Unfortunately, the commotion awoke the local grumpy Merman of the lake, who took exception to having Jersey Trash dumped into his lake. Worse since most of them were walking pin cushions, they plunged to the depths and died. You can not even believe what a dead Jersey college dead-beat yard jockey will do to property values. This angered the Merman so he gave Equinus a mighty Black Lagoon Uppercut and sent him flying.

Equinus Whineus loses Aquatic (that didn’t really make any sense anyway, since all Equinus can do in the water is float) but gains flying . . . Temporarily.

From the sky he fell, thankfully there was another Port-O John to break his fall. He was knocked unconscious, but when he awoke the sun had started to peek through the trees he called home. On the floor of the Port-O John, was yet another drool-laden map.

Equinus Whineus loses flying (I mean it’s not like there is a Big Blue Peep Macy’s day float. Is there? I don’t know. Continuing…)

As Equinus wiped his tongue, a familiar and caring voice floated through the oaks and birch.
“Equinus, what the hell are you doing. Get your ass in gear. Or else we are leaving and you can get your own lard ass to the woods battle. You have 30 seconds!”
“One sec, I got to take a leak.”
Hastily, Equinus made his way to the bottom of Abandon Hope, oblivious to the name. He threw open the outdoor restroom’s door, and there in all her glory was the Lady of the Port-O-John. She handed him the sword, kissed him on the cheek, and told him to hurry as he would not want to be late for battle. To this day, Equinus still bears the Lady’s Blessing and reeks of Port-O-John.

Equinus Whineus has the Lady’s Blessing trumping any other blessing on the battlefield. The Blessing always allows (forces) Equinus’s side to go first, presumably to get away from him. He stinks. Female characters will not engage in any challenges with him.

Equinus Whineus has Crabs. I don’t know if they are real crabs, but they do require a lot of scratching. I mean you spend that much time in a port-o-john and in a lake full of Jersey trash and see if you don’t itch all the time. The crabs give him a 6+ Ward due to their chitinous shells.

But it is all worth it, because now he has:

The Sword of Lady of the Port-O-John
Equinus Whineus’s opponents are at a minus 2 to hit due to the distance (downwind) they must stand away from him. Also, if Equinus Whineus’s side outnumbers the opponent, then the sword cause Fear as no self respecting corpse wants to smell that bad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JOnhJMp56iQ


Epic Failed Charge
Equinus is the master of the overcharge. Spearmen watch out for this clever tactic, or suffer becoming tangled with his charging mass. He has been known to charge into the enemy, then back out of the enemy, then in again (some say he is looking for pizza), then out again, and then finally completing the charge by crashing into his own unit in an exhausted heap usually injuring himself (head/knee it all really the same).
If (and I really mean when) Equinus fails a charge, he will return to the unit he left or join any other friendly unit with 4”. If Equinus fails a charge and rejoins a friendly unit, he takes a wound on a 4+.

Temper, Temper
Equinus is competitive. He hates to lose, and when he does the temper really comes out. It is rumored that he has a partial Dwarven bloodline, and that his clan is descended from Vulcan Toothnasher the Hotblooded. Vulcan once decapitated an archer, when he threw his shield in disgust (I can’t back that up). Equinus mostly just kills dirt, but he considers it practice.
If Equinus fails to wound and is wounded by an opponent he loses 1 Initiative and 1 leadership due to the fact he is running his mouth instead of fighting.

Unrequited Brotherly Love
Oh to be a little (literally not figuratively) brother. The joy of noogies, the cat and mouse games of “Who ate my sandwich?”, the pleasing hours of self-esteem destruction. What could be better? (Maybe a MLT, where the mutton is nice and lean)
Equinus loves/worships his brother and will break if Titus breaks. He must always be 2” away from Titus, so at the end of his turn, if he is not within 2” of Titus then place him within 2” of Titus.